Coming Home

I'm home on a short break now. 4 precious days. 96 cherished hours.

Four years ago I remember sulking and stomping off to my room because my parents did not let me go to a disc/ on a 3 day trip/ for a late night party with my friends. 'But their parents let them go' was the constant plea to which my parents would unflinchingly (and at that time I thought, unkindly) reply 'but we're not their parents'. Those years I wondered when I'd grow up and ahem..be a woman(!) so I wouldn't have to listen to and be bound by restrictions. So why is it that now, when I have my own place in a different city, the freedom to come and go as I please, long to be told 'get back at a decent hour', 'don't drive around if your friends are drunk'?

At around the same time as the sulks, I remember having to wait to see when my mom was free to take me shopping for the 'good stuff'. Not the stuff at causeway and fashion street, but the ones that usually needed a credit card to be swiped :) Sometimes there were days when I had one of the rare latenight-ish outings planed and needed something new to wear when mum wouldn't be free to take me shopping. At that time I wondered when I'd be grow up and start earning so I wouldn't have to wait to be taken shopping to buy expensive stuff. So why is it that now, when I have my savings, and a credit card, long to be told 'I'm going to confiscate your credit card you spend too much', 'come to Bangalore and we'll go buy that suit'?

While I was busy with the sulks and the unfulfilled shopping needs, I also, many a time, fussed about having to be carted around in a car, or taking Snoopy for a walk; brooded about being told to study; insisted on dining out, and well..threw the grand tantrum (as referred to by those who remember it) while shifting to Bangalore. So why is it that now while I am a grown woman (wince!) live in Bombay, eat out as much as I want (or not), and use public transport to the max, long to receive that call which asks 'have you had something solid for dinner yet', 'don't venture too far out there might be heavy rains/ an auto strike'?

I'm wondering now about the times I painfully long to be cared for. No, this is not looking for a scientific reason for something as simple and human as missing one's family, its just a train of thought! So is that the crux of it (the sudden pangs of longing), to know that you're well cared for? Or is it the fear of finally growing up and being completely responsible for oneself? In fact I suspect the former stems from the absolute responsibility bit. And it is this which yanks us back to the womb each time. Its not about being independent or growing up, rather it is about being uncertain, wanting reassurance, being scared, needing to have someone share the blame should something go wrong :) In short, its about having someone to say I love you just the way you are, and I still will, even if you screw up. Its a human need.

Stated the obvious eh? Or am I just speaking for myself? Is it my age, the place i am in life right now? Why don't you tell me.

Another thought squeezes itself into my mind as I write this. Its an oft repeated maxim, though. Isn't it sad that we seldom appreciate the present for what its worth, pinning our hopes on the future? I want to, with desperation that scares me, rush back to my college days, and even school days, now that I know what all to appreciate. Yet as I'm typing these very words I'm smiling at myself. While I'm now learning to avoid putting undue pressure on my future, I seem to be slipping into reveries of the past and its glories, again missing the moment for what it is.

Its all idealistic to 'live for the present', but I'm not sure I fully can. Can you? Its the past that strengthens the present for me. Like the times that you and I spent remind me of how much I enjoy being with you. And its the promise of the future which gives me hope to smile through the present. Like knowing that its mine to mould as I please, and that future remains the future - its never too late...

Ah well, look where we've come! To think I wanted to write about my chill-time at home. Nevertheless, this has been fun, albeit long. I'm off now to make most of being a child once again - waking up late, drinking bournvita, getting yelled at for using the computer this late at night :) So GNSD, as we say at home!